Caw caw RAWR!

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Tipping point.

Not sure how I am feeling about moving entirely to Nashville at the moment. With the right people here I would in a heart beat but I can see this getting old quick. We will see.

just groaning.

I am in a rut.

I am not sure how I am going to get out of it. I bring it up to close friends on occasion. They probably aren't reading this so I will just say it- they feel stagnant too. Great.

I am not helping the situation much but I feel like I need new people in my life again (or just closer to those that fit.) All of my best friends have matched up with their new favorite people and I have been replaced. I will take the blame on that part, I left, I came back, and then when I got the chance I left again. All of my new favorite people I have known for less than a year. Some I have only known for 4 or 5 months and I feel like I know them more than people I have known for what seems like forever. I guess I am just a very temperamental person.

Even if I could just temporally get out of this rut, I'd be okay with that.

...till death do us part.

Okay, no big secret here. If you ask me I will talk about it but I was raised my a single, loving mother. My parents split up when I was young and shortly afterwards my dad died from cirrhosis of the liver. Obviously my father didn't live a perfect life, one might even say he lived a selfish life because he never got the chance to see his only son, the bearer of his name, work through the problems and joys in life.

My dad became a legend in my life. I heard stories from family and friends telling me how great my dad was and how much he WOULD HAVE loved me. We look a lot alike, we share talents of fine arts and music and math. He didn't teach me these things, these are traits that he gave to me.

Well long story short, my mother found an amazing gentlemen named Jim Jones. They lived a God fearing life and we began to go to church as a "family."

I began to pray.

In my childish mind not only did I pray to God the Father but I prayed to my own father. I never thought twice about it. I prayed often and every single time I said "Hi" to my dad and I told him that I would see/meet him when I died.

This went on for 18 years.

While I was on tour this summer, a young girl was speaking to her peers about Heaven.

"You have to accept Jesus into your heart." She proudly says.

One of her peers blurt back, "You can't get in to Heaven unless you love God."

I stand in the field a few feet away thinking of how I was raised. I never knew this when I was their age. I thought everyone just got in.

I mean God loves us right, he wants his kids to be around. I know the pain of not having your dad around, I'm sure not having a kid around hurts just as bad.

How about my dads childhood.

He came from an abusive, atheist family. I imagine he coped by drinking and smoking pot. They grew into his new family. He loved them. He would come home and be excited to see them. He would wake up and be thrilled to wake them up, his bottle and his joint.

My dad never knew God.

According to this little girl, my dad is not in Heaven.

This 12 year old girl just derailed the last 18 years of my life. I have been praying to a God that loves me and blabbering about a dad that could have been.

I cried. I was devastated. I might still be, I honestly don't know.

The next step was to get some answers. I talked to a pastor that I met on the road. I asked him if he knew anything about any of this.

He reassured me of two things.

a: Nobody but my father and God know what his last words were. Maybe he gave his life to Christ.

b: Love in Heaven will be perfect. There will be no hierarchy, you will love your parents, sibling, best friends, co-workers, etc all the same. You will not long to see someone because you will be too busy loving absolutely everything about everyone else. I guess that sounds good.

But while I am on earth, in the flesh, I long to see my dad.

I don't know exactly how to end this so I am going to leave it at this-

"Times happen but the water still flows under the bridge. Sometimes you down with regret, sometimes you look down with great joy." -my mother.

-b

Had I had a hat on...

Tour is pretty much over, by pretty much I guess I mean it is. Ready for it or not I fly back to Indy tonight. I guess that means I should update the world with what happened in the last couple months. 

I went back on tour with Invisible Children, northern California was my stomping grounds this time. It was one of the most beautiful stomping grounds I've ever seen. The team looked a little like this: Orion Pahl from the suburbs of Chicago, Michelle Staggs from South Carolina, and Tessa DeLeo from San Luis Obispo. Our vans name was "Hyena Hideout." The team was absolutely phenomenal. 

We covered everything around Santa Cruz, San Francisco, Sacramento, Santa Rosa, Fresno, SLO. We saw Big Sur, Yosemite, Sequoia National Forest, the John Steinbeck museum in Salinas, Golden Gate (atleast 6 times), I am sure I missed something. Needless to say we drove from the coast to the valley numerous times. 

I didn't even feel like we were on tour, it felt like a roadtrip. Granted we had to be places and speak to hundreds of kids everyday but it never once felt like a chore. I give my team credit for that. When you are in a beautiful place with amazing people its hard to be negative. 

I am not ready to go home. Dont get me wrong, I am excited to see people there but I have been blessed to live this life of travel and I not ready to be in one spot yet. 

So here is the plan for going back:

First, detox- raw fruits and veggies for three days, juice for three days, then back to raw fruits and veggies for a couple of days. Workout and drop this "tour weight."

Secondly, work on getting a second job (probably something like Fedex.) 

Third, work on getting a new car (see why I wanted a second job now?)

Fourth, save money for mission trip to Kenya next summer.

I have some other stuff I need to do but I will write more about the goodness that has happened lately.

"I think I figured it out, we need to be together, like the the shore and the sea.

We are not one thing, we're drawn here together, my ocean and me..."

-Jon Foreman

-b

 

There is a very long blog coming

I don't have time to write. But just know I have a lot to spill out. Past. Present. Future.

Indy I will tell you in person in 3 days.

-- Post From My iPhone

And here we go again.

Don't worry, my phone is on airplane mode. I will write this and save it until it is safe to reconnect to the world.

I am flying to Denver and then to San diego. (for the record I have to pee soooo bad but I have a window seat and a sweet older couple next to me, I don't have the heart to ask them if I may be excused.)

I don't know if I meantioned it or not but I had never planned to live out of a suitcase again after my last tour with invisible children. Just as I was settling in the LRA had a christmas massacre in the Congo and I knew that I had to tell my stories again. I tried to ignore it. But alas, here I am, 4 hours from reuniting with a family that I had never imagined I'd see again. I am excited. I am nervous. I am lost. I have no idea what I will do when I go back home. I need purpose. I am ready for the next step. I hope it is a big one. I hope I have to leap into something I know nothing about. I have no idea what it is yet but after this tour I am going to cowboy up, whatever comes my way I am game for it. Wreck me.

-- Post From My iPhone

26 days till I am back in the wild west.

I am ready to go. I have never felt so out of sync with "home." I don't mean to be a downer but this place is killing me. Wake up, go to school, go to work, go to sleep. Repeat. No room for growth. I feel like all of my friends are doing their own thing and I have to do mine. It doesn't help that all of my friends go to different churches now either. Why is it like that? It's hard to stay connected and grow if you have to do it on your own. San diego can't come soon enough.


-- Post From My iPhone

B A N G !

I don't even know where to begin. Let's just say things are good. I am going to be vague. I don't want to jump the gun because I seem to have a track record of doing just that. Here is all you need to know. I am excited to go back to the west coast. I am excited to see old friends and meet some new ones. I am excited to think that hour and a half phone conversations that seem to just fly by rarely end up empty handed. We'll see. May 30 th is coming up!

-b!
-- Post From My iPhone

Few minutes to kill.

This is going to be short and most likely pointless. 

Easter was a glorious day. We had some awesome services at Lakeview. The presence of God in that place is overwhelming at times. 

After church I went to the mall to take something back. 

Turns out the mall is closed on Easter. As much as I wanted to be upset that it was closed I was reminded that people do indeed take Easter fairly seriously. I can appreciate that. Everyone is so joyful and amazed by the resurrection on Easter but we should be that joyous about it everyday, right? I mean He is risen and that is a forever thing, not a annual event. 

hmm...

well starbucks is calling my name, its time to clock in and fight the urge of making peoples drinks decaf. 

have a good day.

"OKAY" from Starbies.

Thanks Starbucks.

Thanks for letting me have a life and take opportunities of a lifetime. 

The only thing that was still pending on my departure for San Diego was rather or not Starbucks was going to let me take a leave of absence. They let it happen but I was warned that this is the last time that I can do this and expect my job to stay available upon my return. Such a blessing. 

Now I just have to raise some money. Mom is not real happy about me doing this internship again, but I think I can make it work. Invisible Children is going to give me a small stipend for food but I need to raise money to pay my health care ($80/month), cell phone ($80/month), and rent ($500) along the way. Luckily for me this is only a two month internship. Oh and airfair of course ($250 I think.) So that is $1070, thats not too bad. 

I wrote that last blog a couple of days ago.

I went to type an update and I realized I didn't save that last blog. Oops.

So verdict is in.

Drummer roll please.

I made it.

I am a roadie again. It feels like the right choice to make. I guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

I don't know what tour I got yet but I will let you know.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

-b

-- Post From My iPhone

Just waiting.

So maybe you noticed that the blog under this one is empty. It was long. It was at peace. I was done on the iPhone while I was enjoying a plate of chili cheese crawfish etoufee at Yats which is my absolutle favorite thing ever. ... And it got lost going from iPhone to blog. I was pissed.

In short it just said that I applied to be a roadie again. It gave reasons why and I felt good about the post but it is no longer and I refuse to rewrite it.

So now we wait. They said that I was going to find out last week but that got moved to this week. I should know within the next 2 days.

Wish me luck.


-- Post From My iPhone

-- Post From My iPhone

I had to apply again.

I dont have much time, in fact I dont have any, but I applied to be a roadie again. Pray for that. 

Thanks!

invisiblechildren.com

It's rare these days...

I have this feeling that if I were to pack my bags and leave tomorrow very few people would even notice my absence. I haven't felt that way in a while. I'm not sure if that's a knock on other people or a knock on me. I'd like to take the easy way out and say it's on other people. But as soon as I typed that first line I thought "what difference are you making in this place?" I am not pouring out in to anyone because I don't feel like people are pouring in to me. I feel like I don't have much to give. It seems as if there is someone better than me doing everything that I want to do here. Runner up. Everytime.

This is sort of a bummer post. My bad. Just a little down on myself I guess, we are all there at some point, I'll get over it on my own. Hermit style. FML.




-- Post From My iPhone

...from the iPhone.

Technology is a wonderful thing. I just bought an app so I can blog from my iPhone. I moved into a new house today. No Internet - which doesn't bother me at all. AFTER ALL I HAVE AN iPHONE! haha.

As I was leaving my parents house tonight after dinner my mom walked me to my car, her words - "your key will always work in these locks." I am so thankful that I was blessed with a mom that is so supportive. I love her so much. She is such a poet and I really wish she would write a book.

I am glad to be in a new house though, one where I come and go as I please and hardly answer to anyone. My room mate is a solid guy. Met him at church and we have a lot in common, I am excited for the next stretch of life. He has a dog named Josie. She is an awesome dog, a boxer.

Well I am not sure if people even read this but if you are reading it I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. I am off to bed. Sweetest dreams world.





-- Post From My iPhone

I love this place.

Highway 1 on the coast of California. 

Bixby Canyon Bridge.

It's the perfect mix of work from God and man.

(may i also say my holga takes some pretty epic photographs.) 

...thesisish.

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/april2009/index-en.html

man. sometimes i forget that i just had the most amazing 6 months of my life. let me lay it out for you. 

my best friend joined the airforce, terrible thing. BUT. i got to go see her in texas. this was the start of the summer for me. i had to drive her car to wichita falls and then drive to dallas and fly home. little did i realize that was going to be my life for the next few months.

june came and went. my lease was up so i packed my suitcase. july i was a nomad in a familiar place. and then august came. 

oh august. who knew it would be such an event. 

i repacked my suitcase, said my good byes, and off i went. first stop denver. i met two roadies there, kind of by accident. and by kind of by accident i mean that is just the way that it worked out. together the three of us flew to san diego. we were greeted by what would become my new family. the first week of august was awesome.

and then the door opened up.

an unexpected meeting and all of the sudden i am digging in couch cushions for money. i was invited to go to africa. after days of arguing, weeks of pleading, and a few sleepless tear filled nights i decided to jump on what would be the greatest trip of my life. 

august was jam packed with new things, all of which seem to be a blur now. 

l.a. for the day to get my passport. i still look at it all of the time, amazed that i have it.

september. fly from san diego to minneapolis to amsterdam to entebbe, uganda. drive a few hours to kampala, finally sleep for longer than an hour. then a grueling 1o hour bus ride to gulu, uganda. the it took a full 2 days to get there but it was definitely worth it. stay a couple of weeks and then its down to jinja to raft on the nile. yeah the real nile. back to entebbe to amsterdam to detroit to pittsburgh where i met back up with team beast coast. a couple of days in pittsburgh, up to eerie pa, to buffalo ny, to rochester, to nyc, then back to pa where we find out we are losing a teammate. that was so rough. we rocked new jersey and delaware with just 3 people, which was hard and i feel like broke us and build us all in the same body slamming motion. OFF TO PHILLY! 

philly was my favorite. it is where i met my newest brother. back to a team of four and a fresh start. after philly we did dc and baltimore and west virginia. i get dropped off in pittsburgh.

tour is over.

from pittsburgh i  fly to cincinnati and then to home for 2 days. my team drive to michigan and then to indy. we eat dinner and sleep for a few hours.

early in the morning we drive to nashville to meet up with team new england and then down to new orleans. we also meet up with gulf coast.

we stayed in new orleans for a day then we drove straight to phoenix. that was 24 hours of driving. 5 drivers for 3 vans. we only stopped for gas and food.

phoenix was refreshing. 

it was nice know we were 6 hours from "home."

finally we make it back to san diego. 

debriefing and wrapping up our programs.

thanksgiving with a new family was nice. i was thankful for them. 

i got to go to the chargers vs colts game in san diego. colts won, i was stoked. 

december made for an epic trip to san francisco with some of my favorite people ever. leanne, kev, sooz, and kristin. san fran became my favorite city. and high way 1 stole my heart. 

back down to san diego. and then up to l.a. for an acoustic performance by aaron weiss from mewithoutYou, jim ward of sparta, chris conley of saves the day, jon foreman of switchfoot, and dustin kensrue of thrice.

back down to san diego. and its time to go. a 6 month landfill of emotions rushes over me.

let the tears flow. the gates opened and i left. 

it was a pitiful couple of flights. bags under eyes and in both hands i fly to chicago and then home.

the family was excited that i was back.

it was already christmas and not a single person at home really understands what i just did.

i am back in school and they dont care kind of adventures i have been on. they have no i have slept in mansions, 15 different plane seat, in a house with 55 people, in a van on the streets of new york, under nets, in a jungle gym of bunks, or on more college dorm floors than i knew existed.

its crazy but i know i needed to get back to the real world. 

i have more stories than i remember and i am so grateful for everything that happened. and i love all of the people that came into my life with this experience. 

its 3:37am 

bed time.

AINT GOING TO PROOF READ IT ! 

The sun seems too bright today.

This morning I was woken up by a too bright sun a few hours after I got to sleep. Sometimes you just need to flush out your energy and let your mind wander as you bury your time under layers and layers of paint or pages and pages of a good book or line after line of your own words. I wasn't upset when the sun woke me up. "I'm so tired!" wasn't the first thing to inhabit my thoughts. Rather, I just laid there thinking "Man, this sun is real bright today." 

Perhaps it will be a good day. 

On another note, I am ready to go back to the west coast. I am ready for another adventure. I am ready to fall in love. I am ready to go. 

12:27am to 12:35am

On more than one occasion I have thought "Man, I should write in my blog more." 

Turns out I hardly ever do. 

I am back home... if thats what we are calling it these days. I mean, I know this city like the back of my hand, its safe to assume that some people would bet I were an Indy Metro driver in a past life. 

I miss the west coast.

I miss my friends that embarked on that journey with me. I'd give it all to do it again. 

Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I will see them again. Some I miss more than others, but I would welcome anyone that lived in that house into my house at any hour of the day.

I feel like I have something profound on my mind, but I dont have the energy or words to express it. 

After I get these next few rolls of film back I will post pictures from Africa. I am sure most people forgot I even went. I sure haven't. We'll chat soon.